“The other is just a door. When you make love to a woman, you actually make love with existence itself.”
Sigmund Freud says that the man was born neurotic. That’s the half-truth. Man is not born neurotic but he is born into a neurotic humanity, and society around turns everyone, sooner or later into neurotic. Man is born natural, real, normal, but as soon as the newborn becomes part of society, neurosis begins.
As we are, we are neurotics. Neurosis consists of a split – a deep split. You are not one; You are two or even more. This must be understood in depth. Only then can we continue with Tantra. Your emotion and your thinking have become two different things; This is the basis of neurosis. The thinking part and the feeling part became two, and you identify with the thinking part not with the feeling part. Feeling is more natural than thinking. You came with the heart that felt, while the mind nurtured. It was delivered by the society, and your feeling has become suppressed. Even when you say you feel, you just think you feel. This happened for a number of reasons.
The first sutra in the ancient book Vigian Behrab Tantra says:
“And as you continue to do so, avoid the final vents. At the beginning of the sexual union, keep your vigilance to the starting fire”
And that’s what makes all the difference.
For you, the sexual act is an outlet. So you move into it in haste. You want to get discharged. Overflowing energy will be released; Feel relieved. This relief is just a form of weakness. Overflowing energy creates tension, excitement, and you feel that something has to be done. After the energy is released you feel weak. You may refer to this weakness as relaxation because the excitement has passed, the overflowing energy has passed. You can relax. But this relaxation is negative relaxation. If you are able to enter relaxation only by emitting energy, it has a very high price. And this relaxation can only be physical. It does not penetrate deeply, and can not become spiritual.
This first sutra says, Do not rush and do not yearn to finish. Stay with the start. The sexual act has two parts: the beginning and the end. Stay with the start. The first part is calmer, warmer. But do not rush to the finish. Forget the end altogether.
At the beginning of sexual union, keep your vigilance to the beginning fire.
When you are overflowing, do not think in terms of release. Stay with this overflowing energy. Do not look for ejection. Forget it completely! stay complete in this warmth of the beginning. Stay with your sweetheart, as if you have become one. Create a circle.
There are three options. A meeting of two lovers can create three geometric shapes. You may have read about it or even seen an old alchemical picture in which a man and a woman stand naked in three geometric shapes. One shape is the square, another is a triangle, and the third is the circle.
This is one of the oldest alchemical and tantric analyzes of the sexual act. Usually, when you are in the sexual act there are four people, not two – this is the square. There are four angles there because you are divided into two parts – the thinking part and the feeling part – your partner is also divided into two. You are four people. Not two people meet there but four. That’s a lot. There really can not be a deep encounter. There are four angles and the encounter is fake. It looks like a meeting, but it is not. There is no communication, because your deep side is hidden, and the deep side of your beloved is also hidden. It is only a two-pronged encounter, just a meeting of two thought processes, not of two processes of emotion. These are hidden.
The second type of encounter can be like a triangle. You are two – two base angles. For a fleeting moment, you become one, like the third angle of the triangle. But only for a brief moment … Your seconds are lost and you become one. This is better than the square encounter since at least for a single moment there is unity. This unity gives you health, vitality. You feel alive and young again.
But the third is the best. The third is the Tantra meeting: you become a circle. There are no angles, and the encounter is not for a single moment. The encounter is truly non-temporary; Time does not exist within it. And this can only happen if you are not looking for ejaculation. If you’re looking for an ejaculation, then it will turn into a triangular encounter – because once the ejaculation occurred, the contact point has been lost.
Stay with the beginning; Do not move towards the end. How to stay at the beginning? There are many things to remember.
Do not treat the sexual act as if it were moving somewhere. Do not treat it as a means – It has no purpose; Second, do not think about the future; Stay with the present. If you can not stay in the present at the beginning of the sexual act, then you can never stay in the present – since the nature of the act itself is one that throws you into the present.
Stay in the present. Enjoy the meeting of the two bodies, the two souls, merged into one another … dissolved into each other. Stay in the moment without going anywhere, and melt away. You have to turn your warmth, your love, into a place where you can melt into one another.
Therefore, if there is no love, the sexual act is a hasty event. You use another; the other is only a means, and the other uses you. You take advantage of each other. You do not merge into one another. With love, you can merge. Merging at first will provide many insights.
If you do not rush to finish the act, the act gradually becomes less and less sexual and more spiritual. The genitals also dissolve in each other. There is a deep, silent separation between the energies of the two bodies, and then you can stay together for hours. Together it goes deeper into the passage of time. But do not think. Stay in the moment, in a deep merger. It turns into ecstasy, to Samhadi. And if you can know this, if you can feel and realize it, your sexual mind will become non-sexual. In this way, it is possible to obtain a very deep Brahmacharya, to achieve celibacy.
It seems paradoxical because we think in terms that if a person is supposed to stay apart, he must not look at the other sex, he must not meet … avoid, run away! Then the most false celibacy is created: the mind continues to think about the opposite sex. The more you escape from the second, the more you have to think because it is a deep basic need.
Tantra says, do not try to escape – escape is not possible. Instead, use nature itself to get beyond. Do not fight! Accept nature in order to transcend it. Unite this with your lover. If you extend it, without ending, just stay at the beginning …. excitement is energy. You can lose it, you can reach a peak, and then the energy gets lost and you get depressed, feel weak. You can treat it as relaxation – but it is negative.
Tantra gives you a higher dimension of relaxation that is positive. The two partners meet one another, delivering vital energy to each other. They become a circle, and their energy begins to flow in a circle. They give life to each other, a renewed life. There is no loss of energy. Instead, more energy is acquired, because through the encounter with the opposite sex every cell in your body wakes up, excited. If you can dissolve in this excitement without leading it to a climax, staying at first, without getting excited, staying warm, these two warm-ups will meet.
You can extend the act for a long time. Without ejaculation, without throwing energy out, it becomes meditation. You become whole through it. Your divided personality is no longer divided – it is connected.
When a child is born, he is an entity that feels. He feels things; He is not yet a thinking entity. It is natural, just like anything natural in nature – just like a tree or an animal. He must suppress his feelings because if he does not suppress his feelings he will always be in trouble. When he wants to cry he cannot cry because his parents will not approve it. He would be condemned, he would not be appreciated, they would not love him. He will not be accepted as he is. He must learn how to behave. He must behave in accordance with a certain ideology, ideals; Only then would they love him.
When he is himself, love is not for him. He can only win love if he obeys certain laws. These laws are forced upon him; They are not natural. The natural being begins to be suppressed, and the unnatural, the unreal, is forced upon it. This unreal thing is your mind, and there comes a moment when the split is so great that you can not overcome it. You completely forget what your true nature was – or what it is. You are a fake face; The original face was lost. And you are also afraid to feel the originality, because once you feel that the whole society will be against you. So you yourself turn against your true nature.
This creates a very neurotic situation. You do not know what you want; You do not know what your real, authentic needs are. You turn to non-authentic needs because only the sensitive heart can give you the sense, the direction … What is your real need? When repressed, you create symbolic needs. For example, you may eat more and more, fatten yourself with food, and you can never feel full. The need is for love, not food, but food and love are deeply connected. So when the need for love is not felt or repressed, there is a need for food. You may continue to eat. Since the need is false, it can never be satisfied. We live in fake needs; That’s why we do not achieve satisfaction.
You want to be loved; This is a basic need, natural, but it can be diverted to a false dimension. For example, the need for love, being loved, maybe felt like a fake need if you try to divert the attention of others to you. You want others to pay attention to you – but the real need is to be loved, and even if the whole world pays attention to you, this basic need cannot be satisfied. To satisfy that basic need it is enough for one person to love you, to give you attention, out of love.
When you love someone you give him attention. Attention and love are deeply related. If you repress the need for love, then it becomes a symbolic need- you need the attention of others. You may accept it and still not be satisfied. The need is false, detached from the basic natural need. This division within the personality is the neurosis.
Tantra is a revolutionary concept – the oldest and the most modern. Tantra is one of the oldest traditions and yet it is not traditional, even anti-traditional since Tantra says that as long as you are not whole and one, you completely miss life. You must not remain in the split state; You have to become one.
What do you need to do to be one?
You can keep thinking but it will not help you because thinking is a separation technique. Thinking is analytic, it separates, divides things. Emotion connects, creates synthesis, turns things into one. So you can continue to think, read, study, observe. It will not help until you fall back to the emotional center. But this is a very difficult thing because even when we think of the emotional center, we think!
When you say to someone, “I love you,” note whether it’s just a thought or an emotion. If it’s just a thought, then you’re missing something. Emotion refers to the whole; Your whole body, your mind, whatever you are involved in. In the darkness, only your head is involved, and this, too, is incomplete – only a fragment of it, a passing thought. Perhaps it would not be there anymore. Only a fragment is involved, and it creates great suffering in life, because for a piece of thought you may make promises you can not keep. You can say, “I love you and I will love you forever.” Now, the second part is a promise you can not keep because it was given by a fragment of thought. Your whole being was not involved. What will you do tomorrow when the thought will no longer exist? Now the promise will become a lie.
Sartre says somewhere that every promise becomes false. You can not guarantee because you are not complete!
Only a part of me promises, and when the part is no longer on the throne, another part takes over, what am I supposed to do?
Who will keep the promise?
You were born hypocritical because then I continue to try to maintain, I pretend that I keep the promise… Then everything becomes false.
Tantra says, fall deep inside you into the emotional center. What to do and how to fall back? Now go into the sutras. These Sutras, each of them, is an effort to make you whole.
At the beginning of the sexual union, keep your vigilance to the starting fire, and always keep away from the finish line.
Sex can be a very deep fulfillment and sex can throw you back to your truth and natural being, for many reasons. These reasons must be understood.
First, sex is a complete action. You are thrown out of your mind, out of balance. That’s why there’s so much fear of sex. You identify with your mind and sex is an unconscious act. You become headless. You do not involve any head in this action. There is no logical consideration, no mental process. If there is a mental process, there is no real sexual act, authentic. Then there is no orgasm, no fulfillment. Then the sexual act becomes something local, something intellectual, and it has become such.
All over the world so much craving, such lust for sex, and not because the world has become more sexual. This is because you can not even enjoy sex as a whole. The world was more sexual than before. So there was not so much craving for sex. This craving indicates that you are missing out on the real and chasing the fake. The modern mind becomes all sexual because the sexual act itself no longer exists there. Even the sexual act was transferred to the mind; Became mental, you think of it.
Many people come to me; they say they are constantly thinking about sex; They enjoy thinking about it – reading, looking at pictures, watching porn movies, they enjoy. But once the moment comes to have sex they suddenly feel a lack of interest. They even feel that they have become impotent. They feel vital energy only when they think. When they seek to move into actual action, they feel empty from energy, even without desire. They feel their bodies have become dead.
What happened to them?
Even the sexual act became mental. They can only think of it; They are unable to carry it out in a real way because it will fully integrate their being. Whenever there is any involvement of the whole, the head becomes troubled – because then he will no longer be the master, he will lose control.
Tantra uses the sexual act to make you whole, but then you must move into it in a very meditative way. Then you must move into it by forgetting everything you have heard about sex, learning about sex, what society has told you, church, religion, teachers … forgetting everything, and being involved in it in your entirety. Forget control! Control is the barrier. Instead, let it hold you; Do not control it.
Move into it like you’ve become crazy-unskilled looks like madness. Become a body, become an animal, since the animal is complete. In the state of modern man, sex seems to be the easiest option to make you whole, since sex is the deepest thing, the biological center within you. You were born of it. Each cell you are made of was born from a sexual cell. Your whole body is a phenomenon of sexual energy.