In the past few weeks, I have been thinking about the phrase "Who is a hero, who conquers his urges" (Mishnah, Tractate Avot 4). What was meant to be a guide for us filled me with a great sadness.
The word that caught me was “urge”. Everything that bursts out of us with great force, with fire. There are three main expressions of fire: sex, creativity, and anger. Something in the conquest of the urge made me sad. I looked further inside and asked why? What exactly in this sentence makes me sad?
The answer was obvious: something about shutting the sexual urge on the one hand and anger on the other made me revolt against a deep refusal to meet the truth within us. To meet a great unresolved conflict. I went to meet the unresolved conflict inside me. Between urge and anger.
For many years, I experienced deep frustration every time I expressed anger. I also lived in denial. The result: an internal tear. Disconnection from both urges and power.
Because if I give in to him, I will be like my father - controlled by his will, and if I shut its mouth - I will be like a mother - frightened of life itself and not giving expression to its power. So it's better to be "normal" like everybody.
It is possible to say that I had a struggle between the fear of being unbridled and the fear of letting the urges die within me, with all that this death implied. Until I agreed to meet it -the urge. Both the Eros and the anger. To create a close dialogue with them. I discovered very interesting things.
I discovered that the frustration I encounter when expressing anger stems from several sources:
Because beneath anger, there is a pain for an unmet need. Pain-because I did not know the real need and therefore I did not know how to express it either.
I found that I had no fear of encountering anger in the other. On the contrary. When I recognize the anger of another, the lack of expression of anger is what makes me afraid because my feeling is that there is a Pandora's box there that threatens to destroy the plots of arms. I discovered that I had a great interest in meeting anger. Both mine, and the other. To meet the pain hidden beneath him and the need beneath the pain. To share the pain and the need.
I discovered that there is a kind of anger whose function is to set a limit. Say "no more". I have learned to identify the boundary that we will cross and express it before the anger turns into a fire fiery (well, I can not always implement it to the end).
I solved the sexual conflict within me, the desire to ward my father's unbridled energy and my mother's desire. I removed this and that and met the sweet, simple, loving, loving, author, healer Eros.
I recognized how important the fiance was to my creation. You can not really create without meeting and giving a hand to our sexual drive. This is the creative fire. That is why it is so important to understand our personal sexuality, to live with it in peace, to give it a place, and at the same time to direct it to channels of creativity.
I went back to the "conqueror of his will".
Like a roller. A tool designed to put pressure on a body and thus change its shape. Tighten and carpet it. How sad when you turn the urge to flatten. Two-dimensional. How sad it is when you do not agree to meet him.
Then came the solution: At the gathering of "cosmic lovers" exactly a week ago, there was a stand of specially designed shirts for convergence, all about sexuality and intimacy. From a place of deep and very respectful research. One shirt pulled my eyes. "Who is a hero - who meets his urges" was written on her. This! of genius! Meet the urge. To know his unconscious. The unresolved conflicts within us. Understanding them and making peace with them.
The shirt was designed by Nofar Weinblatt. When I asked Nofar who is the genius that said this sentence, she told me she'd heard it from Or Koren.
I went back to the original sentence: "Who is a hero who conquers his urge?" I looked for a thread that would lead to the wisdom that lay in it. I found the thread in the word conqueror. This word also means a ramp -a sloping surface used for up and down.
Our sexuality, as well as anger, can both easily derail our minds. Take over and control us. This happens mainly when we refuse to meet them. To know what is driving us there under the surface.
Our sexual expression governs our beliefs about sex. They are in the unconscious area and are mostly form around adolescence. Every belief creates a behavioral pattern in us. For example, the belief that "sex is dangerous" creates a behavior in us that evades, unconsciously, sexual introductions, even with people whose heart wants to be close to them.
Our anger has managed by the interpretation we give to the reality that disappointed us. When we agree to meet the anger, the feelings that are hidden beneath it, the judgments it attaches to reality, and the real need that is hidden beneath it, we can also learn from it. Understand what it actually wants to teach us.
Sexuality and anger are chaotic places. Places of dissonance. Of realization and fear of realization. Of light and shade. Places of borders, a desire to break through borders and fear of crossing the border at the same time.
Both sexuality and anger are very important teachers. If we agree to meet them, we can also learn from them. When we agree to learn from them, they are correct. They do not control us anymore but take us up the ramp to a more advanced level of ourselves. So we become responsible for both - for sexuality and for anger. A person can not take responsibility for it when he does not know what it is …
I highly recommend meeting our urges, taking responsibility and learning to channel it up the ramp.